My beer is genderfluid, you violent TWERF

So Bruce Jenner has won an award for being The Best Woman-a mere 5 months after publicly announcing his “womanhood!” Inspiring stuff, I’m sure you will agree. Inspiring AND brave.

This caused the widower of a previous recipient of Glamour’s Woman of the Year award- a policewoman who was honoured posthumously after she died attempting to rescue people from one of the twin towers- to send his dead wife’s award back in disgust. “Was there no woman in America, or the rest of the world, more deserving than this man?” He asked. “At a time when we have women in the armed forces fighting and dying for our country, heroic doctors fighting deadly diseases, women police and firefighters putting their lives on the line for total strangers, brave women overcoming life threatening diseases . . . the list of possibilities goes on . . . is this the best you could do?”

Apparently, this was the best they could do. After a mere 5 months of “womanhood,” Bruce Gender is now the best and bravest of all of us, despite doing absolutely fuck all other than acquiring expensive facial feminisation surgery and breasts, and pissing and moaning about how difficult it is to pick a pretty dress. Oh, and admitting to trying on his 10 year old daughter’s clothes.

By these standards, I should have won Glamour Woman of the Year 47 times. I have been a woman for 30 years, and while I have done as little as Bruce to advance the cause of women, at least I’ve never mown one down in my car.

This is not what I want to talk about today. What I want to talk about is No Label-the world’s first non-binary, transgender beer.

Needlessly irritating craft ale giants Brewdog have always been pioneers, whether it be their trailblazing decision to charge £5 for a pint of their so-so beer, putting pretentious John Locke quotes on their bottles, or their equally groundbreaking equity for punks crowdfunding campaign – because there’s nothing more punk than sound financial investments.

It was this campaign that caused Brewdog to fall foul of the trans community, with this astonishingly tasteless advert-

The implication of this advert is of course that if you do not invest your money in Brewdog so they can continue to charge far too much for their beer, you will be driving its owners, pictured dressed as “””sex””” “””workers,””” to prostitution. It’s certainly offensive to prostituted women and women as a whole.

In Paid For, the memoirs of her years as a prostitute in Ireland, Rachel Moran describes the women who would turn to prostitution each Christmas so they could buy their children presents. Faced with the choice of submitting to rape for pay and buying gifts for their children, they “chose” prostitution. Clearly only wealthy honky blokes like the owners of Brewdog can make a jape of this situation, as there is absolutely no chance of them ever being anywhere near it, unless they’re the john. Like 97% of male behaviour, it stinks of privilege and stupidity. However, women’s subjugation is not really news- after all, prostitution itself could not exist without it- and this was not what caused the controversy. In the end, the ad was deemed offensive to trans women. The image, a cheap joke at women’s expense, derives humour from putting men- big beardy men- into the female, subordinate, position. Ha ha! Ho ho! THAT would never happen. Except it does-some men do it by choice. Of course you must NEVER CALL IT a choice, but the fact remains- it’s a choice and it isn’t to be questioned. The bone of contention, therefore, following this line of argument, is that if men dress as women and they’re just joking then it’s offensive. They have to actually mean it or it is OFFENSIVE TO TRANSWOMEN.

In response to the backlash, Brewdog offered some mealy-mouthed response along the lines of “We have a history of supporting and championing the LGBT community, and will continue doing so.” Their previous support consisted of a beer mocking Vladimir Putin, which was called Putin is a Total Homo or Vlad Fucks Bums ROFLMAO or something equally hilarious, because homophobia is still fine as long as it’s taking the piss out of a homophobe- it’s still okay to imply being gay is funny or weird or inherently disgusting as long as it’s aimed at the right target. However, any goodwill Brewdog had garnered from cashing in on making fun of total homo Vladimir Putin had clearly run out. The time had arrived for Non-Binary-the world’s first beer that used to identify as female but then it cut its hair and discovered it liked those chunky leather bracelets in the men’s section of H&M and now it isn’t so sure. From the website-

“No Label is the world’s first ‘non-binary, postgender beer’ designed to reflect diversity and champion inclusivity. This 4.6% ABV Kölsch has been brewed with hops that have changed sex from female to male flowers prior to harvest. We have used these to emphasise that, just like humans, beer can be whatever the hell it wants to be, and proud of it.”

Fighting back grateful tears and tugging my forelocks for these brave champions of LGBT rights, pushing envelopes and championing inclusivity, representing my beloved community as it has never been represented before, I read on.

“As befits the Kölsch style, we have brewed No Label with ale yeast and then cold-conditioned to give characteristics of a lager – a beer that blurs boundaries between the binary worlds of lager and ale. The beer draws parallels with individuals who identify themselves in a similar ‘non-binary’ way, as neither exclusively male nor female – a community of people that is still largely under-acknowledged by society.”

It’s true, no one’s mentioned Our Lady and Saviour Caitlyn Jenner for at least 5 minutes now. Where is the representation? No one has heard of these brave and flawless individuals who are murdered at a rate of 17,000 times more than any other marginalised population, who single-handedly started, fought, and ended the Stonewall Riot when a lone transwoman crushed and ate a cop car. As the vehicle’s terrfied occupant screamed inside she crunched on his stupid pig bones and swallowed, expelled his bulletproof vest with a mighty belch and then roared into the stunned faces of the remaining police, who quickly turned tail and ran. Who will represent this brave community? Who will snatch up their guttering torch and carry forth their flame, lighting the way for those too long languishing in obscurity and the wardrobes of their pre-teen children? Fear not. Brewdog, tireless stalwarts of inclusivity, champions of the voiceless, brewer of beers that used to be dudes but now they’re not, have heard your pleas. They have heard them, and they bring you a beer brewed with Jester hops- “a varietal naturally prone to altering sex whilst growing-using male flowers to add diversity, rather than restrict it.”

The trans community were obviously delighted. A spokesperson for London-based rights group Stonewall explained to the Independent “although the “No Label” concept is encouraging, many trans people do not transition, or identify with binary genders, and BrewDog’s language undermines that.” Brewdog’s mistake was to not make their marketing blurb meaningless enough. By using actual words, which can refer to actual concepts, Brewdog committed the cardinal sin of modern queer and liberal ideology-lack of inclusivity. Concepts have to be slackened until they’ll accommodate any old shite, phrases need to mean as little as possible so that anyone’s special identity can be projected onto them. Shame on you Brewdog. You and your beer that used to be a bloke but now it isn’t.

Brewdog maintained that their piss-poor gimmicky beer, launched to coincide with the opening of another one of their shitty bars in London’s gay capital Soho, was not a cynical money grab aimed at cashing in on transgenderism’s recent modishness. James Watt, the founder and CEO of Brewdog, told Business Insider that the beer was not a gimmick or marketing ploy and is a genuine attempt to help the LGBTQI+ community. So that’s all right then.

So it seems Brewdog’s attempt to mollify the trans community failed, and so a vacuum opens in the new and expanding gender identity alcoholic drinks market. As a more fitting tribute to the trans community, I will be launching “Call me Cabernet- the world’s first transgender wine” in honour of our brave lady Caitlyn; the bravest woman to ever stride the earth. It will be advertised as a 16 year vintage but will actually be far older, running to vinegar, in a suspiciously plasticky bottle. It will cost at least £30 too much. It will be made of grapes that I drew tits on with a marker pen. It will be launched in time for Jenner to toast the success of her trial, where she will get away with killing her 69 year old neighbour with her car. Male privilege? What male privilege? Cheers!