Blowjob tips for lesbians-a guest post

Hi everyone, my name’s Mey and I write for lesbian website Autostraddle!

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As you can see, I am a human woman. I enjoy female things like being a princess, owning cats and *squints at list of female stereotypes* crying. I have written 565 articles for Autostraddle! Here’s my latest one:

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This article is very important for me, as I am a trans woman with a penis. Despite being trans editor for one of the biggest lesbian websites for five years now, I still haven’t had “the surgery” and questioning why I haven’t is definitely transphobic. In fact, I would say that I should not have to conform to your narrow, cissexist idea of what a lesbian is (not all women have vaginas!) and instead, every single lesbian should get used to the idea that lesbian sex can and should involve a penis and testicles. Some nasty TERFs have been very hateful about the fact that I, a 31 year old non-operative trans woman, have taken time out of my busy schedule to write a detailed manual on how I like to be sexually pleasured and posted it on one of the biggest lesbian websites on the internet. I really don’t know what their problem is! So I’m here to set the record straight. I’ve taken the parts of my article that people are finding the most controversial and explained a bit more about what I meant underneath. Frankly, it isn’t my job to educate anyone and I’m disgusted that I have to perform this emotional labour for cis people AGAIN (donate to my paypal to show your appreciation) but I am a very giving person. My article gets off to a strong start:

Some lesbian, bisexual and queer women have penises. Trans women come all sorts of ways, and some of us haven’t had surgery yet or don’t want to. Also some trans women are queer! The conversation about trans lesbian sex often focuses on anal, or on using the non-trans partner’s genitals — but that’s not all there is. 

I think I’m making a really important point here. When someone with a vagina and someone with a penis has sex, the focus is too often on the genitals of the person with the vagina. That’s wrong and hella transphobic! I’m here to reclaim pleasure for the partner with a penis. Why should those privileged AFABs expect this to be pleasurable?

These tips focus on sex with hands and mouths, since personally PIV sex is much harder on my dysphoria.

Some people have questioned how I have been able to identify as a woman for at least 5 years, experience dysphoria around my genitals, and yet do absolutely nothing to alter them. Some people have suggested that I may not actually experience dysphoria at all, and have used a very ugly and transphobic word-“autogynephila”-to erase my trans lesbian sexuality. I don’t think I have to address this disgusting argument, so I won’t. Moving on:

The first step in great trans lesbian sex is actually figuring out what you like yourself. If you want to tell your partner what words and actions you want, you need to know them first, you know? Reading erotica or watching trans porn (I’d recommend sticking to feminist porn, like the Crash Pad Series, and avoiding trans porn made by cis men) can help you figure out what you find sexy about your body, and what you want to do with that body. 

It is completely normal for lesbians to require brainstorming sessions and field research (watching porn of course!) to figure out what they find sexually enjoyable. Some SWERFs and second wavers online have taken the time to lecture to me about lesbian history as if they’re some kind of authority, saying that there is a history among lesbians and a rich body of literature criticising the sex industry. Some have even called me a “pornsick male!” There’s no depths to which these transphobic bigots won’t stoop. Lesbian porn is hot, especially when there are dicks involved, principally mine.

Just like with any kind of sex, communication is key. Start by talking about what words you want to use for your genitals — some words might turn you or your partner on, others might cause dysphoria, and others might just do nothing for you.

Communication is definitely key. Before I start to have sex, it is very important that I tell my partner exactly what words they’re allowed to use to talk about my genitals, for fear of triggering that dysphoria that I definitely have.

In terms of tissue structure and sensitivity, penises are basically just like clits, but bigger.

This statement is uncontroversial and scientifically accurate, and I have no idea why people have such a problem with it.

If your partner is a trans woman, one way to start is to cup her whole penis and scrotum in your hand and massage them like you would a vulva. 

You know, people on Twitter have been especially cruel about this sentence, and I can’t figure out what their problem is. This is how I use my hands to stimulate my partner’s vulva, although I don’t do it too often (it is cissexist to concentrate on the non-trans partner’s genitals). These so-called “lesbians” making fun of me need to watch some more porn and find out how it’s really done!

Like with handsex, oral sex on a trans woman’s penis looks different from oral sex on a cis penis. 

It’s different because of the gender identity of the person with the penis. While to some (transphobic) observers it might seem to be exactly the same as oral sex with a cis penis, it isn’t, because the person with the penis is wearing a dress or has worn a dress in the past.

 No matter the type of touch, remember to press harder with your tongue and lips than you think you should. This applies to both the tip and the base and to hard and soft penises. That pressure is a good thing. So is enthusiasm.

Remember to look like you’re into it, for goodness sake. There’s nothing less arousing than gaslighting a lesbian into giving me a blowjob and then her acting like she doesn’t like it. Not hot. Definitely transphobic. I hope you’re taking notes here.

External prostate stimulation might be something you aren’t familiar with, but it’s honestly one of my favorite things. 

Look everyone, I may be one of the first women ever to talk about the lesbian practice of prostate stimulation. Here I am, chasing new sexual horizons, expanding the definition of lesbian sexuality, proving to you all that lesbian sex is possible even if you have a penis and testicles, and I am subject to transphobic hatred and backlash for it. It’s disgusting, frankly-only a bigot could have a problem with any of this. To prove you’re not a transphobic bigot, you should definitely consider sleeping with me, or at the very least donating to my Patreon.

I think I’ve addressed all the main criticisms raised by TERFs and other bigots here. I really don’t understand why they have such a problem with my piece, or why people keep saying that I am trying to redefine what lesbian means. Lesbian is not a word with a fixed meaning: it can mean all sorts of things! Here’s what the Autostraddle website has to say about the subject-

Lesbian Sex 101 is Autostraddle’s series on how to have lesbian sex for queer women and anyone who finds this information applicable to their bodies or sexual activities. Employment of the term “lesbian sex” in this post uses “lesbian” as an adjective to describe sex between two women or people who identify with that experience, regardless of the sexual orientation of the two people involved. 

You see? It can mean absolutely anything!

Right, that’s about it from me. Remember to donate to my Paypal, subscribe to my Patreon and give to my GoFundMe, IndieGoGo and Kickstarter fundraisers, as I am very poor and oppressed.  Bye everyone!

 

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Blowjob tips for lesbians-a guest post

Genderquake

I don’t know how many people reading will have access to UK’s Channel 4 player to witness the televised meme that was the Genderquake debate, where six women and one trans women squabbled unpleasantly with each other while Brucelyn Gender rambled incoherently in the corner like someone’s senile grandfather. Luckily, if you missed it, I have exclusive access to a truncated transcript from the show for your “enjoyment.” The participants are:

Bruce “Caitlyn” Jenner, reality TV star and nine hundred year old female impersonator
Munroe Bergdorf, an unpleasant gay man who spends most of his time flicking his hair and talking down to any woman who dares to speak in front of him
Germaine Greer, an old woman who is thoroughly and visibly bored of the children squabbling around her
Sarah Ditum, a feminist-leaning woman hamstrung by her pandering to genderism
Kenny Jones, a dim and muscular trans man
Ash Sarkar, a libfem stereotype who writes for Novara fucking Media, of course
Jen Powell, a they-them who spends most of her screen time impersonating a potted plant

Presented by Cathy Newman, who is sadly most famous right now for getting owned by mental and literal midget Jordan “people behave like lobsters” Peterson.

Cathy Newman-Welcome to Genderquake: The Debate. Tonight, we’ll be asking the big questions. Is transphobia bad, or is it in fact evil? Are transwomen fabulous? Is the fact that this debate is taking place at all offensive to transwomen, who kill themselves at 17894327 times the rate of any other group of people? Let’s find out! But first, let’s go round the room and ask people their fucking pronouns, just in case you were under the impression that this wasn’t going to be a bunch of gender-pandering bullshit. Caitlyn?

Bruce Gender-Well Casey, that’s an interesting question, and to answer it we need to go back to quite a different time. You see, I have many children, who I fathered, with my penis, and they all call me Dad. So I was talking to my daughter, Kendall, and she said “but Dad, if you’re my Dad, and you’re a woman, then who do I call Dad?” And then I spoke to my daughter Kylie, and she said “Dad, if you wanna get fake tits, I love you!” And then I spoke to my other daughter, I forget her name, er…anyway, pronouns are very important to our community.

Cathy Newman-I’m going to have to stop you there Caitlyn, although that was fascinating. What about you, Ash Sarkar?

Ash Sarkar-Oh my god, like, I’m a cis woman? So I’m like, super privileged? So like, when the doctor like, slapped me when I was born I became a woman?

Sarah Ditum-I think this is stupid.

Audience *uncomfortable silence*

Cathy Newman-Just to interject, we must remember that 97% of trans people have committed suicide in the last ten years.

Bruce Jenner-Well of course, you have to remember, all trans people have committed suicide, it’s crazy. We have the internet now-you see kids as young as 5, 6, 7, they can use the internet, it’s amazing! But I’m an athlete, I’ve always played sports, I’m a sports person. You know, I met Donald Trump once.

Cathy Newman-Fascinating! But unfortunately, we have to move on to someone else. Kenny, can trans men have periods?

Kenny Jones-Yeah.

Cathy Newman-Great! Now Germaine, it says here that you said, and I quote, “Bitch, I eat trannies for breakfast and shit them out again, now what?” What do you have to say about that?

Germaine Greer-I don’t remember saying that.

Munroe Bergdorf-Germaine Greer is old! Ha ha ha ha!

Audience-*laughs and cheers*

Cathy Newman-It also says here that you said “if a man chops his dick off it doesn’t make him a woman.” Could you defend this outrageous and transphobic statement please?

Germaine Greer-Well it doesn’t, it makes you a man without a cock!

Audience-*gasps*

Munroe Bergdorf-I want all of these bitches to be thrown out! This is hate speech! *Points at an audience member* throw her out, I don’t like her!

Ash Sarkar-Oh my god right, once someone was sexist to me while I was wearing like, a jumpsuit? So like, that proves sexism doesn’t have anything to do with your genitals?

Sarah Ditum-Would that not prove that sexism has nothing to do with clothes rather than genitals?

Ash Sarkar-Like, Oh my GOD. I like literally can’t even?!?!?!? Oh my god????

Cathy Newman-Well ladies, this has all been fascinating, but I’m going to have to move back to Caitlyn now, who has been given nearly 50% of the airtime on this show, and I have absolutely no idea why. Caitlyn?

Bruce Gender-Well you know Karen, it’s like I always said; and I said this to Donald Trump once, you know. Donald, I said, where is your bathroom? And he said to me, he said Caitlyn, we have the best bathrooms here. Huge, huge bathrooms. You should see the bathrooms in Trump Tower. They’re amazing! So once, I was at Trump Tower, me, just a little trans lady, and I needed to pee, so I used the bathroom. In conclusion, we need to create a more loving and diverse society.

Cathy Newman-That was beautiful. Munroe, do you think we can create this more loving and diverse society?

Munroe Bergdorf-Only if everyone can stop being transphobic to me, which means disagreeing with me in any way.

Cathy Newman-Yes, you’re right. All this transphobia has been frankly disgusting and needs to be stopped. Good night!

*Credits roll*

If anyone wants to watch Genderquake in its entirety, just don’t fucking bother.

 

Genderquake

Foxy boxing for feminism

Feminism is dead. It died in the early 90s. You might see its corpse shambling around, vomiting glitter and condoms onto horrified passers-by, but do not be fooled: that is the corpse of feminism, animated by patriarchy, which has infected its dead body like cordyceps, the fungus that takes over the brains of ants.

The latest nail in the coffin comes from “Femme Feral”, a London collective of “women and femme-identified people” who were apparently so incensed by the policies of Teresa May that they decided to strip down to fishnets, fetish gear and tit-tape and roll around on the floor in front of an audience of men; for feminism.

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The first rule of Feminist Fight Club is that men have to be able to masturbate to it.

According to their Facebook page, Femme Feral deals in “queer femme wrestling performance, ritual destruction of the Conservative Party, abolishing borders, celebrating the ferocity and erotic power of femme-ness (Jesus Christ) and queer revolution.” With this in mind, it will be of little surprise to anyone that co-founder Phoebe Patey-Ferguson, a chortling posho with a name so middle class that it sounds like it came from a Catherine Tate sketch, is a PhD candidate at Goldsmiths. Goldsmiths, a London art college, is one of the main cultural institutions within the UK that has made an art form of ritually killing feminism and replacing it with meaningless sloganeering, bourgeois adventurist crap and hyper-sexualised queer theory.

Femme Feral, apparently, “fight each other as a mode of resistance to try to channel our energies and rage.” This describes precisely nothing about how they hope to challenge any of the things that they claim to be against. Women fighting each other has nothing to do with overthrowing patriarchy or critiquing Theresa May’s policies, and simply has the effect of punching sideways-let’s fight each other to end male oppression! Better yet, let’s do it naked in a basement and invite men to watch! Has patriarchy ended yet? I hope so, I have to go home and finish my deconstruction of the oeuvre of Jenna Jameson for my “Queer Potentialities: Transgressing the Boundaries of Femme Possibility” seminar tomorrow.

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Liberated woman gets ready to fight other liberated women under the watchful gaze of a liberated male-identified ally.

The hyper-sexualised nature of the proceedings continues the tireless work of liberal feminists in turning feminism into a complete joke. It is alienating to anyone who lacks an expensive education that allows them to access the meaningless, academic jargon the participants parrot to justify their self-involvement. Anyone who isn’t drowning in an amniotic tank of gender fluids at a pricey liberal university is going to take one look at this and see it for the shite it is-porn culture for clueless narcissists.

The most immediate and predictable defense of this reactionary farce is that it is “empowering” for the women involved. This empowerment, unsurprisingly, comes from being sexy-because empowerment, sexiness and feminism all mean the same thing now. Barely-sentient nonsense fountain and future gulag inhabitant Edythe Woolley, another co-founder of Femme Feral explains; “It’s difficult to be sexy in specific spaces without being sexualised, so looking for a space where you can kind of own your sexiness, your sexuality, in an aggressive angry way, and also in a very glamorous way-we wanted a space where we could do that and be angry about the Tories.”

Of course, the women affected by Tory cuts who need access to the women’s shelters that Femme Feral pay lip-service to must be delighted that finally, feminists have decided to “own their sexiness in a glamorous and angry way” and are following their output via known feminist channel Broadly, a subsidiary of Vice, closely and gratefully. Unable to escape their violent partners, they sneak into their spare rooms or back yards and hunch over their phones to watch Femme Feral’s empowering treatises on “sharing their bodies and being free with them in their messy totality.” This is of great comfort to working class women who are bearing the brunt of savage reductions in public spending-simply knowing, somewhere, that women in an expensive university are rolling around on the ground in thongs: for them.

But it isn’t for them, a point that barely needs making-it is for the women in the video. Their empowerment, their sexiness, their egos. Their disingenuous co-opting of the pain of poor and working class women is just more evidence that middle class liberal feminism is parasitic, feeding on the pain of others for the narcissistic supply of those perpetuating it. Feminism is dead. Burn the body, and start again.

Foxy boxing for feminism

Is Pokemongo problematic? A guest post (Cross posted from everydayfeminism.com)

Only those of you who have been living in an isolation chamber on Mars could have missed the meteoric rise of the telephone gaming application, Pokemongo. Now, seemingly everywhere is filled with people chasing down Waddles, Cattypies and Onion Turtles. It has launched a thousand worthless online thinkpieces, of which this is definitely not one. There’s no doubt about it-Pokemongo is here to stay! But what does that mean for us as queers, feminists and feminist queers? To answer this, we need to delve more deeply into the origins of the game.

Pokemongo, as everyone knows, is based on the wildly popular Chinese franchise Digimon. Pokemongo is short for “pocket mongo,” mongo being the martial arts style that the various in-game characters use to battle to the death in multicoloured arenas called “death hives.”

All 37 characters from the original 2007 game are included in this new version, with some additional guest appearances, such as 768th wave feminist and queer icon Miley Cyrus!

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Flawless queen Miley Cyrus

And who can forget everyone’s favourite character: Peek -a-Boo!

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Peek-a-Boo! I see you!

As queer feminist queers, there is much to celebrate in this game. It is jam packed with transgender and genderqueer characters, such as Muscle Guy, a trans man, Shell Tail, a trans woman, and Whirlygig, who chooses not to define xirself with a fixed gender but currently feels a strong draw to pixelboy/orbgender (game developers Sega have promised to update with hir preferences with each game update).

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This is what queer representation looks like everyone. Game developers take note!

Sega have also confirmed that the three death hive leaders-Jeremy, Candida and Barbara are in a loving, polyamorous triad relationship: a brave shout-out to the poly community, who have to overcome prejudice, hatred, and worst of all, marginalisation every day. Not only that, but with the characters of Barbara and Candida both being self-identifying femmes, this increases bi visibility, at a time when it is well know that this is a serious problem, with bisexuals often complaining of being intermittently invisible-some even disappearing into different dimensions-due to this lack of visibility. By now, everyone will be aware of the tragic case of a bisexual woman who was attacked and injured whilst riding a bike, as when she disappeared from lack of visibility the seemingly riderless bike was set upon by ignorant passers by as a sign of witchcraft. Games like Pokemongo are helping millions to see that bisexuals actually exist, and are not invisible, but in fact, can usually be detected by the naked eye.

Whilst this is all very encouraging, Pokemongo is far from perfect and suffers from multiple problematic elements. One of the worst is the inclusion of controversial characters Vulva and Triple Dong, a slap in the face to the trans, genderqueer and intersex communities with their unashamed connection of female and maleness with genitalia. Triple Dong is bad enough, implying that transmen will never be real men if they don’t have not just one penis, but three, but Vulva is by far the worst, as it is offensive to transwomen, the most marginalised group in the lgbtqiapd+ community.

Trigger warning-offensive imagery below.

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These images actively harm queers 

And that isn’t even all. The game actively mocks people with STIs by naming death hive leader Candida after a thrush-causing fungus and the character Crabs, who is self explanatory. This is anti-sex propaganda and really needs to be taken out of a children’s game.

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Not funny.

The game also caused a well-documented rift between feminist icon Paris Hilton and feminist icon Miley Cyrus, who both claimed that the in-game character was based on them. It looks like they eventually went with Miley but game developers Sony are keeping a tight lid on who the iconic character was designed to represent.

Distinguished disability rights campaigners such as Jack Monroe and Russel Brand have also spoken out about the game’s inherent ableism. Rewards are given for kilometers walked, which is a problem for trans women, who cannot leave the house without being attacked by drones controlled by Milo Yiannopoulos, who in an astonishing display of insensitivity, game developers Konami decided to actually include in the game:

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Milo Yiannopoulos posing with his famous spoons

Konami have rejected suggestions that the game should be altered so it does not require leaving the house, nor does it agree that the game is ableist against people born with no eyes. This has been widely criticised, most famously by distinguished feminist rights campaigner and UN peace ambassador Katy Perry, who said on her tumblr “that’s like so fucking shitty i can’t even like omg”

To conclude-despite some nods to the queer community, Pokemongo remains too problematic to play, and if you do, you are a horrible privileged piece of shit and you should literally kill yourself. Pokemongo? More like PokemonNO!

If you want to make an official complaint to game developers Mattel, please make sure to email them at sega@konami.com. And be sure to show your support for the queer community by liking and sharing this article-by doing so you are saving LITERALLY millions of queer and trans lives.

About the author-Uticaria St-Clair is a queer, femme-identified queer genderfuck currently residing in New York. She likes coffee, writing thinkpieces for everydayfeminism.com and kicking the patriarchy’s stupid fucking ass. You can find her shaking her ass at the hottest queer bars in New York and hating all that is problematic, which is literally everything in the fucking world ever i can’t even. 

 

Is Pokemongo problematic? A guest post (Cross posted from everydayfeminism.com)

Femmephobia-a guest post

Hello everyone! It’s me again, Julia Serrano! (No, not that one. That one. That’s it.)

Leeds is so beautiful this time of year. Down at the farm, the pigs of all genders and sexes are giving birth to baby pigs, and here, we don’t violently assign them a gender at birth-we allow them to pick their own. For instance, Kayden, a beautiful two month old piglet who was born with a (trigger warning) v*g*na, demonstrated his discomfort with his assigned birth sex by wallowing in the mud closer to the blue trough rather than the pink one and, on numerous occasions, refusing to wear a lovely pale yellow sun dress I offered him that picked out his eyes, and instead, electing to defecate on it. We like to ensure a complete lack of violent misgendering at my farm for the entirety of the pig’s natural life, which ends at 6 months, when we butcher them for their meat.

However, regardless of whatever choices our piglets make about their gender identity, we ensure that they are fully educated about the full spectrum of gender identity and expression. While we respected Kayden’s decision to come out as transmasculine, we wanted to make sure that it was not coming from a place of femmephobia. Which is what I want to talk about today!

What is femmephobia?

Femmephobia is the irrational hatred of femininity in its natural form and all items related to femininity-dresses, heels, press-on nails, choosing to have sex with men in exchange for food, shelter or money-any and all behaviours on the fem(me) spectrum are targets for bigoted femmephobes . Femmephobia can manifest itself in many ways: and all of them damage fem(me)-identified people, particularly trans women, like me, Julia Serrano.

For instance, it is well known that flowered sun hats, the kind worn at weddings and sometimes Royal Ascot, send Julie Bindel into a blind rage and drive her to attack the offending item and its wearer on sight. It is a cause of considerable embarrassment for Julie, as she is unable to hide her deep and unconscious hatred of femininity. Luckily for us girls, it reveals her as the bigot she truly is! Known misogynist Sheila Jeffreys has a similar reaction to the colour pink or any colour close to being pink-cerise for instance, and occasionally lilac. Crazy! No one knows precisely why these people react in this misogynist way to feminine items and concepts-after all, no one has ever written anything about femininity and why anyone would object to it-so their bigoted reactions are , until now, shrouded in mystery. However, as a femme-identified person, I feel I can shed some light on the situation.

TERFS as failed women

Terfs believe some pretty stupid shit, such as the idea that (trigger warning) v*g*nas and ov*ries are related to femininity in any way at all. If you ever want to piss off a TERF who makes this argument, counter them with this-what about a woman who has had her entire body removed, and is just a floating ghost woman? What if that ghost woman has had her v****a and ******* and ***** removed? They will be unable to think of a counter argument for this, meaning you will have won.

TERFS are shit women. They have drab hair and flat shoes. Even if they are wearing a dress, don’t be fooled-they are engaging in a form of drag and appropriating trans women’s experience, which is really disgusting of them. Examine them closely. They aren’t fooling anyone. A TERF in a dress is still a TERF. You may perceive them as a femme. You are wrong. It’s what’s on the inside-your true identity-that counts.

TERFS are similar to kids in school who have bad hair, or have a mother that won’t let them wear a bra until they’re like 9, or have really ugly shoes, and receive corrective bullying for it. Reminded constantly that they are shit at being women-with only their withered ******* and ***** and ******* for comfort,  they become bitter and hateful-and trans women are the prime targets for their hatred. TERFS are ugly-this is why they only date each other (pro-tip-“lesbian” is a code word for TERF) and they are all secretly jealous of femmes and female-identified people, especially trans women, for being better at womanhood than them. Don’t believe me? Here are some quotes direct from some TERFS! (Trigger warning-TERFS.)

“Julia Serrano is really gorgeous. Stunningly, stupefyingly so. I have no idea how she got her winged eyeliner so sharp. Those dresses! I just can’t compete. And that’s why I have just written this new book, ‘Trans women are awful and really stupid.'”

-LIERRE KEITH

“I actually think footbinding makes your feet look really cute, and there’s something just so liberating about that-that feeling of cuteness that comes from having tiny, crippled feet. Sadly, my feet are size 11, abnormally large for a woman, and as a result, I really hate trans women.”

-SHEILA JEFFREYS

“I hate and am jealous of trans women.”

-JANICE RAYMOND

Anyway everyone, I must go now. Robin, one of my older piglets, has recently been diagnosed with “gender fluids”. As a result, we are having an emergency workshop on how to foster a safe, non-triggering environment for Robin as xe comes to terms with hir new identity. Some people-mainly TERFs-have told me that spending thousands of pounds on gender-affirming surgeries and hormones for pigs that are ultimately killed for their meat shortly into their lives is a waste of money, and may even be dangerous for the person consuming their meat after slaughter. I say that these people are violent bigots, and I will be discussing this in my next article, which will be appearing in my new guest column over at everydayfeminism.com (thanks guys!).

Toodle-oo everyone!

JULIA SERRANO

 

Femmephobia-a guest post

My beer is genderfluid, you violent TWERF

So Bruce Jenner has won an award for being The Best Woman-a mere 5 months after publicly announcing his “womanhood!” Inspiring stuff, I’m sure you will agree. Inspiring AND brave.

This caused the widower of a previous recipient of Glamour’s Woman of the Year award- a policewoman who was honoured posthumously after she died attempting to rescue people from one of the twin towers- to send his dead wife’s award back in disgust. “Was there no woman in America, or the rest of the world, more deserving than this man?” He asked. “At a time when we have women in the armed forces fighting and dying for our country, heroic doctors fighting deadly diseases, women police and firefighters putting their lives on the line for total strangers, brave women overcoming life threatening diseases . . . the list of possibilities goes on . . . is this the best you could do?”

Apparently, this was the best they could do. After a mere 5 months of “womanhood,” Bruce Gender is now the best and bravest of all of us, despite doing absolutely fuck all other than acquiring expensive facial feminisation surgery and breasts, and pissing and moaning about how difficult it is to pick a pretty dress. Oh, and admitting to trying on his 10 year old daughter’s clothes.

By these standards, I should have won Glamour Woman of the Year 47 times. I have been a woman for 30 years, and while I have done as little as Bruce to advance the cause of women, at least I’ve never mown one down in my car.

This is not what I want to talk about today. What I want to talk about is No Label-the world’s first non-binary, transgender beer.

Needlessly irritating craft ale giants Brewdog have always been pioneers, whether it be their trailblazing decision to charge £5 for a pint of their so-so beer, putting pretentious John Locke quotes on their bottles, or their equally groundbreaking equity for punks crowdfunding campaign – because there’s nothing more punk than sound financial investments.

It was this campaign that caused Brewdog to fall foul of the trans community, with this astonishingly tasteless advert-

The implication of this advert is of course that if you do not invest your money in Brewdog so they can continue to charge far too much for their beer, you will be driving its owners, pictured dressed as “””sex””” “””workers,””” to prostitution. It’s certainly offensive to prostituted women and women as a whole.

In Paid For, the memoirs of her years as a prostitute in Ireland, Rachel Moran describes the women who would turn to prostitution each Christmas so they could buy their children presents. Faced with the choice of submitting to rape for pay and buying gifts for their children, they “chose” prostitution. Clearly only wealthy honky blokes like the owners of Brewdog can make a jape of this situation, as there is absolutely no chance of them ever being anywhere near it, unless they’re the john. Like 97% of male behaviour, it stinks of privilege and stupidity. However, women’s subjugation is not really news- after all, prostitution itself could not exist without it- and this was not what caused the controversy. In the end, the ad was deemed offensive to trans women. The image, a cheap joke at women’s expense, derives humour from putting men- big beardy men- into the female, subordinate, position. Ha ha! Ho ho! THAT would never happen. Except it does-some men do it by choice. Of course you must NEVER CALL IT a choice, but the fact remains- it’s a choice and it isn’t to be questioned. The bone of contention, therefore, following this line of argument, is that if men dress as women and they’re just joking then it’s offensive. They have to actually mean it or it is OFFENSIVE TO TRANSWOMEN.

In response to the backlash, Brewdog offered some mealy-mouthed response along the lines of “We have a history of supporting and championing the LGBT community, and will continue doing so.” Their previous support consisted of a beer mocking Vladimir Putin, which was called Putin is a Total Homo or Vlad Fucks Bums ROFLMAO or something equally hilarious, because homophobia is still fine as long as it’s taking the piss out of a homophobe- it’s still okay to imply being gay is funny or weird or inherently disgusting as long as it’s aimed at the right target. However, any goodwill Brewdog had garnered from cashing in on making fun of total homo Vladimir Putin had clearly run out. The time had arrived for Non-Binary-the world’s first beer that used to identify as female but then it cut its hair and discovered it liked those chunky leather bracelets in the men’s section of H&M and now it isn’t so sure. From the website-

“No Label is the world’s first ‘non-binary, postgender beer’ designed to reflect diversity and champion inclusivity. This 4.6% ABV Kölsch has been brewed with hops that have changed sex from female to male flowers prior to harvest. We have used these to emphasise that, just like humans, beer can be whatever the hell it wants to be, and proud of it.”

Fighting back grateful tears and tugging my forelocks for these brave champions of LGBT rights, pushing envelopes and championing inclusivity, representing my beloved community as it has never been represented before, I read on.

“As befits the Kölsch style, we have brewed No Label with ale yeast and then cold-conditioned to give characteristics of a lager – a beer that blurs boundaries between the binary worlds of lager and ale. The beer draws parallels with individuals who identify themselves in a similar ‘non-binary’ way, as neither exclusively male nor female – a community of people that is still largely under-acknowledged by society.”

It’s true, no one’s mentioned Our Lady and Saviour Caitlyn Jenner for at least 5 minutes now. Where is the representation? No one has heard of these brave and flawless individuals who are murdered at a rate of 17,000 times more than any other marginalised population, who single-handedly started, fought, and ended the Stonewall Riot when a lone transwoman crushed and ate a cop car. As the vehicle’s terrfied occupant screamed inside she crunched on his stupid pig bones and swallowed, expelled his bulletproof vest with a mighty belch and then roared into the stunned faces of the remaining police, who quickly turned tail and ran. Who will represent this brave community? Who will snatch up their guttering torch and carry forth their flame, lighting the way for those too long languishing in obscurity and the wardrobes of their pre-teen children? Fear not. Brewdog, tireless stalwarts of inclusivity, champions of the voiceless, brewer of beers that used to be dudes but now they’re not, have heard your pleas. They have heard them, and they bring you a beer brewed with Jester hops- “a varietal naturally prone to altering sex whilst growing-using male flowers to add diversity, rather than restrict it.”

The trans community were obviously delighted. A spokesperson for London-based rights group Stonewall explained to the Independent “although the “No Label” concept is encouraging, many trans people do not transition, or identify with binary genders, and BrewDog’s language undermines that.” Brewdog’s mistake was to not make their marketing blurb meaningless enough. By using actual words, which can refer to actual concepts, Brewdog committed the cardinal sin of modern queer and liberal ideology-lack of inclusivity. Concepts have to be slackened until they’ll accommodate any old shite, phrases need to mean as little as possible so that anyone’s special identity can be projected onto them. Shame on you Brewdog. You and your beer that used to be a bloke but now it isn’t.

Brewdog maintained that their piss-poor gimmicky beer, launched to coincide with the opening of another one of their shitty bars in London’s gay capital Soho, was not a cynical money grab aimed at cashing in on transgenderism’s recent modishness. James Watt, the founder and CEO of Brewdog, told Business Insider that the beer was not a gimmick or marketing ploy and is a genuine attempt to help the LGBTQI+ community. So that’s all right then.

So it seems Brewdog’s attempt to mollify the trans community failed, and so a vacuum opens in the new and expanding gender identity alcoholic drinks market. As a more fitting tribute to the trans community, I will be launching “Call me Cabernet- the world’s first transgender wine” in honour of our brave lady Caitlyn; the bravest woman to ever stride the earth. It will be advertised as a 16 year vintage but will actually be far older, running to vinegar, in a suspiciously plasticky bottle. It will cost at least £30 too much. It will be made of grapes that I drew tits on with a marker pen. It will be launched in time for Jenner to toast the success of her trial, where she will get away with killing her 69 year old neighbour with her car. Male privilege? What male privilege? Cheers!

My beer is genderfluid, you violent TWERF

Feminism-it’s for everyone!

One of the best things about writing a radical feminist blog which is read by about eleven people on a good day is that I can say whatever I want. Fuck it, no one’s reading. The only people who will be are other radical feminists and the occasional hate-read from radiqueer sparklefucks, and as these people are internet people, and not real people, I don’t particularly care about how these ideas are received.

This is markedly different from real life, where I am subject to censure and sanctions for speaking my mind. Where I often find myself appealing to less radical female friends or the occasional dude that “patriarchy is damaging for ALL of us” and “men are damaged too under male supremacy!” and other things that I honestly couldn’t give a third of a shit about.

Women are expected to do this Dance of Appeasement whenever they express a thought which does not revolve around men and their feelings. If we don’t, we’re mocked, attacked or just ignored. Witness the flaccid fauxminism of Emma Watson or famous idiot Lena Dunham, or any notable woman who has a feminist thought cross her mind but knows she needs to tread carefully for fear of doing a Greer or a Bindel and exposing herself to mass hatred. “I’m a feminist, but of course, I love men. I care deeply about men and how patriarchy hurts men. The concerns of men are my concerns too. I have a feminist boyfriend and I love him. In fact, his penis is inside me as I say this. Men men men men men.”

I really couldn’t give a fuck about men, couldn’t give a fuck about the Dance of Appeasement, which is really a St Vitus dance brought on by the anguish of being silenced. I don’t care about the nice men and I don’t care about making them the centre of my concerns. I don’t care about individualising my analysis of men as a class. I don’t care.

Did you know that 31% of 18-24 year old women in the UK are CSA survivors? You did? I wonder who’s doing that? Lovely, cuddly men? Men who are on the whole so nice and so hard done by within patriarchy? Men who, as a class, can’t seem to let girl children grow up without raping nearly a full third of them? Poor men! Let them in our movement, I say!

I don’t care, am past caring, am feeling increasingly lighter as I shed the burden of giving a single toss about caring about men’s feelings. I’m not interested in playing Schroedinger’s rapist with the men that I meet day to day. I don’t care that your boyfriend is a nice guy, or if your friend sometimes makes sexist jokes but he’s a okay really, or your work colleague who looked down your shirt a couple of times stood up for you in that meeting so isn’t he really a feminist, really? Deep down? No. Fuck him.

I don’t care about my bloke acquaintances’ universally worthless opinions on feminism down the pub and I don’t care about the article on feminism and Marx that they just read in the Socialist fucking Worker. I don’t care! At all! Whee!

Which is why it’s infuriating that feminism-which you may remember as the movement dedicated to the liberation of women and girls from patriarchy-is now, apparently, for everyone. And by everyone, we obviously mean men and men who think they’re women. Feminism is in fact “intersectional” and for “all genders.” Deeply moved and upset by the plight of fellow men who are no longer the centre of a conversation, it has been brought to women’s attention that patriarchy creates men who are emotionally stunted half-humans, completely out of touch with their emotions. Men’s response to noticing this is to ask feminists to centre their needs and fix this state of affairs with our own movement. Fuck you buddy. Fix it yourself. Make your own movement.

At least MRAs and meninists don’t have to throw their own groups wide for everyone and can be clear about the intended beneficiaries of their movement. Hint-it’s men. And not “men who happen to be born with vaginas” either. Actual men. Because men don’t have to do the mental gymnastics required to be gaslit into saying a vagina is actually a strangely shaped cock. They can just say “fuck you, this is ours.” Like everything else.

If the liberation of women results in an improved quality of life for men too, then that’s all for the good. But it’s secondary to the immediate aim. And in the meantime, until then, and not before, I don’t care about men. At all. You shouldn’t either! They have a whole world to do that for them already. I care about women. Precious few people do.

And now all eleven of you reading this can agree or call me names as you see fit.

Feminism-it’s for everyone!